On Freedom

My college career has been one of action - study, work, internships, travel, volunteering, creating, administrating. The full force of my molecular being was put into external motion, connecting the "me" to the "world" that was mine to play in. And I played, and I worked. I worked hard, and I studied hard, and I soaked up life in the best way I knew how.

And I lived in that world, where young men and women study the rich academic heritage of the West; where the aspirational build their resumes brick by brick, creating a platform for a "good" job where people respect you and you get promoted; where top-notch graduate schools accept your credentials because you stand above and beyond the masses. That world where competition - subtle, unconscious, permeating competition - is the norm for those who are going to be something, who are going to do something. The world of rich, educated elites born to shake - or to rule - the foundations of the Earth.

Only a short time ago, I was set to pursue such a life forever. The choices were seemingly difficult, but they were clear cut. Rhodes or Harvard Law? A dual graduate degree in law and international development, or political administration and urban planning? Do I intern with the United Nations, or the ICC? Will I be Secretary of State, or head of the UNDP? Yet again my oyster, I had already taken the world.

This eternal summer has changed everything.

It is not that I do not now believe in lofty desires, or that I have rejected the notion of having a greater purpose. But I think I have begun to come back to my self, that self that was never so aquiescent to the norm; so rigid in internal structure. But I did fall for a while into what I consider the abyss of complacent living: finish high school, go to college, work harder than everyone else, go to a good graduate school, work work work, retire, die. Sounds tragic, no? But for a while, I think that is what I thought I would do. It is amusing, in that even now as I write this I cannot comprehend how I would ever live that life. Over the course of my college career, I think I began to let myself believe that was how I would accomplish my ends, whatever those ends might be. Work hard, be important, and everything will be fine. I also began to believe I could define my ends. Having a plan was standard. I wrote a damn five-year plan, and it was perfect. Except that, in reality, it was a tragedy.

I am glad I wrote it, and even more glad that now, looking back to only a short six months ago, I can almost laugh at myself. Almost, because I am still a little frightened - terrified? - at what I almost did. I almost willingly removed my own freedom, my own self-given right to self-determination. But more than that, I almost began to believe that I had learned enough to go out into the world to do something and to be something. I had begun the process of believing in my own ego, in my own intelligence. I had begun to spend my time with people whose own ego drives them, and had begun to believe in their importance.

I consider myself lucky in that I think my nature prevents me from ever delving too far into that world. I am too bull-headed to play into the established structure. Too earth-bound and sensual to ever give up my freedom to roam, near or far. Too adventurous to live in one way for too long.

So, as my paradigm shifts, I look back in reflection and I truly appreciate these past four years. I have been, what, lucky? blessed? fortunate, in the experiences I have had in my brief time on this planet. I have learned much. But I have only learned in one direction, the direction that was chosen for me when I entered academia as a child. And I have six more months of pursuing that particular form of education, which I look forward to.

And when that six months is done, I will pursue as opposite an education as I can find. I will learn from the mountains and their songs; from the words and the silence of every human being I can find. I will learn from art, music, and dance; from the glory of creating with my own hands. I will drink coffee, beer, wine, with both mouth and soul. I will eat the foods of a thousand nations, mouth and soul. I will cook, I will sew. I will learn about clouds, and soil, and everything that lives in between.

And I will love, and laugh, and be free.