30 September, 2009
AHAHA!
Life so completely works out sometimes...I just got me dream job, nicely facilitating everything spoken about in the post below. WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
21 September, 2009
On Freedom
My college career has been one of action - study, work, internships, travel, volunteering, creating, administrating. The full force of my molecular being was put into external motion, connecting the "me" to the "world" that was mine to play in. And I played, and I worked. I worked hard, and I studied hard, and I soaked up life in the best way I knew how.
And I lived in that world, where young men and women study the rich academic heritage of the West; where the aspirational build their resumes brick by brick, creating a platform for a "good" job where people respect you and you get promoted; where top-notch graduate schools accept your credentials because you stand above and beyond the masses. That world where competition - subtle, unconscious, permeating competition - is the norm for those who are going to be something, who are going to do something. The world of rich, educated elites born to shake - or to rule - the foundations of the Earth.
Only a short time ago, I was set to pursue such a life forever. The choices were seemingly difficult, but they were clear cut. Rhodes or Harvard Law? A dual graduate degree in law and international development, or political administration and urban planning? Do I intern with the United Nations, or the ICC? Will I be Secretary of State, or head of the UNDP? Yet again my oyster, I had already taken the world.
This eternal summer has changed everything.
It is not that I do not now believe in lofty desires, or that I have rejected the notion of having a greater purpose. But I think I have begun to come back to my self, that self that was never so aquiescent to the norm; so rigid in internal structure. But I did fall for a while into what I consider the abyss of complacent living: finish high school, go to college, work harder than everyone else, go to a good graduate school, work work work, retire, die. Sounds tragic, no? But for a while, I think that is what I thought I would do. It is amusing, in that even now as I write this I cannot comprehend how I would ever live that life. Over the course of my college career, I think I began to let myself believe that was how I would accomplish my ends, whatever those ends might be. Work hard, be important, and everything will be fine. I also began to believe I could define my ends. Having a plan was standard. I wrote a damn five-year plan, and it was perfect. Except that, in reality, it was a tragedy.
I am glad I wrote it, and even more glad that now, looking back to only a short six months ago, I can almost laugh at myself. Almost, because I am still a little frightened - terrified? - at what I almost did. I almost willingly removed my own freedom, my own self-given right to self-determination. But more than that, I almost began to believe that I had learned enough to go out into the world to do something and to be something. I had begun the process of believing in my own ego, in my own intelligence. I had begun to spend my time with people whose own ego drives them, and had begun to believe in their importance.
I consider myself lucky in that I think my nature prevents me from ever delving too far into that world. I am too bull-headed to play into the established structure. Too earth-bound and sensual to ever give up my freedom to roam, near or far. Too adventurous to live in one way for too long.
So, as my paradigm shifts, I look back in reflection and I truly appreciate these past four years. I have been, what, lucky? blessed? fortunate, in the experiences I have had in my brief time on this planet. I have learned much. But I have only learned in one direction, the direction that was chosen for me when I entered academia as a child. And I have six more months of pursuing that particular form of education, which I look forward to.
And when that six months is done, I will pursue as opposite an education as I can find. I will learn from the mountains and their songs; from the words and the silence of every human being I can find. I will learn from art, music, and dance; from the glory of creating with my own hands. I will drink coffee, beer, wine, with both mouth and soul. I will eat the foods of a thousand nations, mouth and soul. I will cook, I will sew. I will learn about clouds, and soil, and everything that lives in between.
And I will love, and laugh, and be free.
And I lived in that world, where young men and women study the rich academic heritage of the West; where the aspirational build their resumes brick by brick, creating a platform for a "good" job where people respect you and you get promoted; where top-notch graduate schools accept your credentials because you stand above and beyond the masses. That world where competition - subtle, unconscious, permeating competition - is the norm for those who are going to be something, who are going to do something. The world of rich, educated elites born to shake - or to rule - the foundations of the Earth.
Only a short time ago, I was set to pursue such a life forever. The choices were seemingly difficult, but they were clear cut. Rhodes or Harvard Law? A dual graduate degree in law and international development, or political administration and urban planning? Do I intern with the United Nations, or the ICC? Will I be Secretary of State, or head of the UNDP? Yet again my oyster, I had already taken the world.
This eternal summer has changed everything.
It is not that I do not now believe in lofty desires, or that I have rejected the notion of having a greater purpose. But I think I have begun to come back to my self, that self that was never so aquiescent to the norm; so rigid in internal structure. But I did fall for a while into what I consider the abyss of complacent living: finish high school, go to college, work harder than everyone else, go to a good graduate school, work work work, retire, die. Sounds tragic, no? But for a while, I think that is what I thought I would do. It is amusing, in that even now as I write this I cannot comprehend how I would ever live that life. Over the course of my college career, I think I began to let myself believe that was how I would accomplish my ends, whatever those ends might be. Work hard, be important, and everything will be fine. I also began to believe I could define my ends. Having a plan was standard. I wrote a damn five-year plan, and it was perfect. Except that, in reality, it was a tragedy.
I am glad I wrote it, and even more glad that now, looking back to only a short six months ago, I can almost laugh at myself. Almost, because I am still a little frightened - terrified? - at what I almost did. I almost willingly removed my own freedom, my own self-given right to self-determination. But more than that, I almost began to believe that I had learned enough to go out into the world to do something and to be something. I had begun the process of believing in my own ego, in my own intelligence. I had begun to spend my time with people whose own ego drives them, and had begun to believe in their importance.
I consider myself lucky in that I think my nature prevents me from ever delving too far into that world. I am too bull-headed to play into the established structure. Too earth-bound and sensual to ever give up my freedom to roam, near or far. Too adventurous to live in one way for too long.
So, as my paradigm shifts, I look back in reflection and I truly appreciate these past four years. I have been, what, lucky? blessed? fortunate, in the experiences I have had in my brief time on this planet. I have learned much. But I have only learned in one direction, the direction that was chosen for me when I entered academia as a child. And I have six more months of pursuing that particular form of education, which I look forward to.
And when that six months is done, I will pursue as opposite an education as I can find. I will learn from the mountains and their songs; from the words and the silence of every human being I can find. I will learn from art, music, and dance; from the glory of creating with my own hands. I will drink coffee, beer, wine, with both mouth and soul. I will eat the foods of a thousand nations, mouth and soul. I will cook, I will sew. I will learn about clouds, and soil, and everything that lives in between.
And I will love, and laugh, and be free.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
